Somehow, she hadn't been expecting that question. Pari faltered, gripping her knees more tightly. "Because I didn't have anything else."
"What do you mean?" He asked. "...I was right there."
"I had that minor psychotic break and dumped it all on you." she forced a laugh though his words stirred the resentment in her chest. "We were not on good terms, Feo. I wasn't on good terms with anyone. And everything I had worked for was gone: my reputation. Any semblance of power. And when I was alone, I realized that none of it mattered in Atherdale, because even if I built myself back up, Kyros could tear it down in a heartbeat."
"So you put yourself at the whim of another king? Of Medeiros, no less?" He followed the line of thinking, and his tone wasn't accusatory though his words could come off that way. He mostly just wanted to understand. It had been so out of the blue, and he'd be lying if he said it didn't feel a little personal. He'd seen Parisa in the most vulnerable state she'd even been, confessing that she loved him, and then suddenly she'd been just gone. Cold. Meeting his reciprocity with anger because he hadn't met her exact expectations. And then an engagement of all things? Jumping into a relationship, regardless of the political motivations, seemed pointedly on the nose. He hadn't necessarily been surprised-- it was Pari, after all-- but he had been wounded. And they just hadn't acknowledged it since. "What was that meant to solve?"
"Orsino was a numbskull, but his kingdom had a good foundation. I always knew my marriage was going to be political," though for a brief and delusional period of time she'd hoped otherwise. "... but instead of primarily benefitting Atherdale, this move was for me. He was my best bet at having something Kyros couldn't take."
He looked at her, clear eyes betraying more wary heartache than he would have liked. "...So it had absolutely nothing to do with us?"
Pari's breath stilled in her chest but she put her shoulders back and forced herself to inhale. Anyone else might have taken her neutrality at face-value, but Feo knew her better. Her fortress would have to be impenetrable, her mask flawless. "By then we'd both made it clear that there was nothing between us. I was spiraling and you were my only friend at the time. It was a mistake. Medeiros was a calculation."
"Really?" He responded. "What happened between us was a mistake, but Medeiros was a calculation?"
"He would have been a damn good one too if my bloodline hadn't fucked everything up, like it always does." she leaned against the couch and exhaled, looking at her hands instead of at him.
"A good one for what? For who? What kind of life would that have been?" He challenged. "He'd been annoyingly persistent and he's twice your age. Since when did you want that?"
"Since I looked at the politico-economic benefits." she shot back. "I'm a princess, Feo, what do you want me to say?"
"Just that you regretted it at all." He said with an ounce of defeat. Of course. She was always right and he'd never understand. She was a princess, much too classy and important to concern herself with his petty affections. Affections she'd initiated.
"I regret that it turned out the way it did." Pari said finally, refusing to let her voice waver.
What was he hoping for? That she'd renounce her decision to marry the king? He had been the best choice of her suitors. He had wealth, a kingdom, a party of loyal followers, but he hadn't had stability. He'd needed her skills and she'd needed his strength. But then they'd found out what she could do, and suddenly Medeiros could no longer afford her - not that he'd let her get away. He was still raving about how Atherdale had kidnapped his wife to anyone who would listen, though both Kyros and Parisa denied that the marriage had ever gone through.
Pari had spent exactly one month at the Medeiros palace before it had all gone to shit. She hadn't even kissed him, despite all his flirtations, and had managed to secure herself a room in the other wing "until the wedding". Their marriage was a transaction, and she hadn't been willing to pretend it was anything more. She'd seen Medeiros's mask slip once or twice - his frustration and his anger - but what did it matter? He was like a child chasing after a new toy. The only reason she entertained it was because it was better than being... vulnerable.
And that was the core of the truth, wasn't it? She regretted all of it. Of course she'd been after a seat of power, but Feo had everything to do with it too. He had seen her at her lowest point: her hope laid on a platter, her naivety highlighted by infatuation. She'd put her throat on a guillotine for Feo and she would never do it again. Even if he reciprocated - and she suspected, from the tremor in his voice and the ghost of his expression, that he'd gotten just as entangled as she had - she would not hand him that leverage.
She had been looking for more than just power in a political sense. She'd been trying to protect herself from him - the one person who could make her undone.
"So you'd rather be shacked up with a politically motivated old skeeve right now." He said, trying not to fall completely to the frustration that bubbled up at her desperately trying to keep him at arm's length.
"I did that out of necessity, Feofil, not because I wanted to." Pari replied, her voice just as terse as his.
"How does that change what you just said to me?" He asked.
"You're acting like I was some naive fucking idiot getting married for love." she said accusatorially, "I wouldn't rather be shacked up with him; I wanted my kingdom and my seat at the table!"
"Stop putting words in my mouth." He said. "I didn't for a minute think that's what you were doing. I'm not stupid."
"So why do you keep asking me stupid questions?" she asked, right as the lights flickered; then the house groaned and the power died entirely, leaving both Feo and Pari amidst the blankets, lit only by the tea lights around them.
He sighed. "Great. Now we die to demons."
"Christ," she muttered, rubbing her forehead. "You can do that. I'm not letting some stupid demon take me out."
"As if you'd have a choice." He remarked. He felt the urge to get up, to do something, but he knew there was nothing to be done but wait. And truly hope that nothing found them sitting here, hapless, in the dark. His anger had fizzled, as it always did, because their entire friendship hinged on his anger fizzling or not rearing its head at all. It was Kyros's fatal flaw and the reason he just couldn't seem to win his cousin back over-- he didn't know how to shut up and stew. Instead of anger, an exhausted desperation overtook him instead. Every time he felt he'd gained an inch with her, she got spooked and shoved him back a mile. If he didn't care, it wouldn't matter, but the problem came in the fact that he cared so much about it for some reason. Cared so much about her. And she had so much practice in steeling herself against not only her own emotions but other people's as well that it left him feeling like the crazy loser who cared. "Just forget it, Pari. You promised me honesty, so I guess... I wouldn't be a good friend if I badgered you into another answer. If I thought there was anything else going on, I can assume I was just..." Stupid. Being an idiot. Expecting too much of you. "... misinformed."
"What else did you think was going on?" she asked the dark. It was easier, not seeing him, even though he was only an inch away. She could still feel his heat; if she reached out, she would touch his hand. She didn't have to look into his endlessly blue eyes and lie.
"Well, if I tell you, you're just going to call me stupid, so I won't." He decided. "I can tell you something else, though."
"Okay..." she said, a little put out. "What?"
"I, for one, am really glad you're sitting here with me and not with some noble sequestered off in a castle where I'd never get to see you."
Parisa scoffed softly and leaned her head back against the couch, contemplating his words. Would she have seen him again if she'd married Orsino?
In all truth, no. Not likely. It was supposed to have been a clean break, a new beginning. It had utterly failed, but somehow... sitting here with no power and the cold pressing in, despite all their blankets and candles, despite the demons and the darkness, she couldn't find it in herself to wish for something else. "Me too."
That was really all he'd needed. He tucked his arms across his chest to stave off some of the cold, suddenly awash with a sense of contented validation. "Could do without this darkness, though."
"Yeah, it's not great..." Pari sighed, drawing her robe tight. The house was cooling down without power, which made the air smell like cold. They wouldn't freeze, but it was uncomfortable.
It almost felt like the world had stilled around them, without any hum of electricity, the only movement stemming from the quiet snow that drifted down outside. "Pari," he intoned, somewhere between a statement and a question. As if he was checking for her presence or attention, though he knew logically he had both.
"Yeah?" she opened her eyes, peering in his direction. The light ebbed gently against his blonde curls, turning them as snowy as the world outside.
"About my mom," He said quietly. "There's more to it than you think."
She pressed her lips together, letting silence settle between them before asking again, "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," he admitted truthfully. "But I want you to know, and there's only one way to do that."
"Which is?"
"To tell you." He exhaled. "There's no sane-sounding way to say this."
"Sanity went out the window like five years ago," she said. "If you're going to tell me, tell me now."
Her insistence helped in that it pushed him to get it out there, to keep it short. They're just words, he reminded himself. You can say them.
"The only beings in the time pocket were my mother, me, and a demon that hunted us day in and day out." He said haltingly, and hesitated for a moment before continuing, making an effort to distance himself from the emotions the events described carried. "It killed her one day, and since then it wears her... rotting... face. So like I said... it's a little complicated."
It did track. Demons were notoriously fucked up, and wearing the rotting face of one of their victims sounded like a perfectly demonic behavior. Feo's voice was steady, but it strained under the weight of fear. She'd heard similar notes a few times before: sometimes muffled behind his bedroom door, sometimes in hushed conversation with Sparrow, and once, after Boaz. Once upon a time, she'd sworn that he would never face such a thing again, but she hadn't known what a difficult task she'd signed up for.
"Fuck, Feo." she said.
Her reaction, though simple and on-the-nose, put a crack in the wall he'd constructed in order to broach the topic at all. It wasn't anything specific she'd expressed, just the idea that this horrendous weight he'd been holding so close to his chest up until now didn't have to be held alone anymore. That she was there right alongside him to say precisely that-- fuck. The validation was incredible, even as he struggled to keep away the memory of the demon surrounded by all-consuming darkness. If it had been Sparrow beside him, he'd reach for her hand without a second thought-- an anchor in the storm. But with Pari, it was trickier. He managed to channel the overwhelm, equal parts fearful and relieved, into a trembling sigh that came out breathier than intended. He'd wage the tempest that opening that door brought; he knew he'd have to.
"And you see this thing whenever you do your... time stuff? So every time, you see..." Pari sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. No wonder he'd freaked at the sight of Kitri's portrait. Guilt pooled in her stomach again, but she swallowed it down.
"Yeah." He whispered, closing his eyes. His chest heaved with the effort of drawing in breath. "I'm working on sitting with it."
Pari bit her lip and inhaled, then reached over to place her hand on his fist. She slowly rubbed her thumb against his knuckles before moving to withdraw. "You sit with that as long as you need to."
Her touch was steady and gentle but firm, spreading a warmth throughout his body that grounded him. Especially knowing Pari's reservations about her personal bubble, it was an immensely meaningful gesture. He rode that wave through several slow breaths as the tide subsided. "I hate this place." He broke the silence at last, speaking in earnest. "The constant threat of demons and talk of my mother and having to live up to these people's expectations about what their ancient folk hero should be. It's hard to reconcile that with everything else in my life."
"It's damn hard being placed on a pedestal." Pari agreed quietly. "And you never asked for it, never wanted it."
He cracked an eye open to cast a sidelong glance at her. "I'm sensing some relating happening here."
"Yeah, except I'm only stuck in demon land because of you." she exhaled good-naturedly.
"You're the only reason it's bearable."
Pari didn't meet his gaze, though her lips twisted into a wry smile. "You prefer my company to literal monsters? I'm touched."
"And you should be." He joked reflexively. "Because I have many options when it comes to monsters."
"Yeah, I'm sure you and Crack demon would get along like a house on fire." Pari rolled her eyes, then leaned back and looked at him. "You don't have to take the mantle, Feofil. That's not your burden."
"Everyone else seems to think so."